LIQUOR

A kmis3 teacher wanted 2 tell his students about d danger of liquor, so he decided to do so experimentin wit water, whiskey and worms.
He put d whiskey in a jar and water in another. Then he put d worms in each. D one in d water went about happily, but d one in d whiskey soon dropped dead. After d experiment, he asked if they understood wat d experiment showed ? Mike raised up his hand from behind and came to d table and illustrated; take much water and u'll have more worms, but take whiskey, and the worms in ur system will die off!

THEY ARE HUNGRY

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a
chicken dish..
By the time the food is ready and he is about to
eat, the waiter comes back and says; “Sir, I’m
afraid there has been a mistake...

You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he
usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this
is the last chicken in the house.
I’m afraid I’ll have to take this dish to him and
arrange for another dish for you!” The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up
his food. The waiter walks over to the other
table and explains the situation to the officer...
A few minutes later the officer walks over to
the man’s table and says; “Listen and listen
good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I’ll warn you, whatever you do to that
chicken I’ll do the same to you..!
You pull out one of its legs, I’ll pull out one of
yours...
You break one of its wings, I’ll break one of your
arms!” The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks
his middle finger in the bird’s rectum, pulls it out
and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and
says, “Go ahead!”
for more of dis join "pee on my pant laughing

HE IS MAD

A mad man at the Aro Mental Hospital
climbed a tree and spent half d day on that
tree, all of a sudden he let go of the branch
and fell straight to the ground full force.A
doctor rushed to the scene and ask mr man wat is d pro???n d man said..
I DON RIPE

GREEDY MAN

A girl studyin physics overseas,wrote a letter 2 ha parents,nd d letter reads.i mis u al,bt i wil nt cum home any soona,maybe u wil be old den,bt dere is a substance in dis envelop,take a drop of it,nd u wil luk younga til i cum.afta readin, d fada insisted dat d moda take it first nd she did nd she became young nd very beautiful.afta so many years,d daughter came bak nd saw ha mum very young nd beautiful bt carin a baby on ha bak.so d girl ask of ha fada,bt d moda said his fada was so jealous seein ha young nd very beautiful,nd instead of takin a drop of d substance,he took everytin,nd dat is ur fada on my back.

JOKE: INTERVIEW

JOKE: INTERVIEW
Interviewer: There are two main rules for our company to select you Applicant: What is it sir?. Interviewer: Our second rule is Cleanliness, did you wipe your feet on the mat near the door before coming in?. Applicant: Yes sir! Interviewer: Our First rule is trustworthiness, and for your information there isn’t any mat near the Door

OUR LORDS PRAYER

Drunkards Prayer
OUR LAGER WHICH ART IN BARRELS, HALLOWED BE THY DRINK, THY WIL BE DRUNK, AT HOME AS IN D TAVERN, GIVE US THIS DAY OUR FOAMY HEAD, AND 4GIVE US OUR SPILLAGES, AS WE 4GIVE THOSE WHO SPILL AGAINST US AND LEAD US NOT IN2 INCANCERATION BUT DELIVER US FROM HANGOVERS, 4 THINE IS D BEER, D BITTER AND D LAGER 4EVER AND EVER
BARMEN

THE RESTAURANT

A man enters a bar/restaurant and says to the barman:’give me a bottle of beer and give everybody here a bottle of beer cos when I drink beer,everybody should drink beer!!!! The barman obeys. Next he tells the barman: ‘give me a plate of pepper soup and give everybody a plate of pepper soup cos when I take pepper soup,everybody should take pepper soup’. Again the barman obeys. Then he tells the barman: ‘barman!!!!! come and give me my bill and also give everybody their bills- cos when I pay my bill,everybody pays

IT STUDENT

JOKE: A guy was toasting a girl, after everything the girl asked him "are you in school and what course are you studying? He lied to her and said 'yes am in school and am studying food science'.... Two weeks later, the girl saw him washing plates in a local restaurant...*shocked* Gosh what are you doing here? He smiled and said 'AM D0ING MY I.T'

NIGERIAN MADE ENGISH

This are the Popular List of
Nigeria Made English Specially
Used by the Igbos in Lagos and
other Part of Nigeria.
*ABEG DRESS BACK.

*If I hear pim, u go hear weeen.
*Have they BROUGHT light?
*The FILM is SWEET
*Pls help me SLOW that fan
*Mummy HAVE come
*I'll tell my daddy FOR YOU
*Have you paid your school fees
money?
*See as you BAFF up
*Put the bread inside LYLON
*I strong KAKARAKA
*Oya come and be going
*I KUKUMA don't have your time
*Shebi you have BB charger
*See how her eye is entering
my food
*Did you see the sound of my
ringtone?
*I know you have come since
bcoz I hear your perfume.
*u don chop food?
*nepa don bring light
*day go,i day com
*Dey go 4 front make i dey see
u
Add Yours to the List.

ILLTERACY

Rita nd ha illetrate frnd from d village went 4 a frd's bday party,nd d m.c was askin everybody if dy ar comfortable.M.C:are u comfortable?.RITA:YeS.M.C:Are u comfortable. ILLITErate FrND:Na ur mama come 4 table na ur papa come 4 table,me i cum 4 rice,me i cum 4 meat.

FOOLISH STUDENTS

Funny jokes Teacher: Ok class, let’s show the principal and our guest how far we’ve gone this year. If i say a word, you should add er & est. Oya! Let’s give it a try Class: [nods] Teacher: Tall Class: taller, tallest Teacher: small Class: smaller, smallest Teacher: clean Class: cleaner, cleanest. Teacher: [smiles] very good. Class: very gooder, very goodest. Teacher: oh my goosh Class: oh my goosher, oh my gooshest. Teacher: stop it now! Class: stop it nower, stop it nowest Teacher: oh please Class: Oh pleaser Oh pleasest Teacher: Is this how I taught you?. Class: is this how i taughter?. Is this how i taughtest?. Teacher: what a disgrace! Class: what a disgracer, what a disgracest Teacher: [turns to the principal] i’m very sorry about this sir. Class: i’m very sorry about this sirer, i’m very sorry about this sirest. Oya add your own below

JOB VACANCIES

SOME NEW JOB TITLES
*OLD TITLES - NEW TITLES
*Garden Boy: Landscape Executive
and Animal Nutritionist
*House Maid: Family Environs

Upkeep Manager
*Receptionist: Front Office
Manager/Office Access Control
*Typist: Printed Document Handler
*Messenger: Business
Communications Conveyer
*Window Cleaner: Transparent
Wall Technician
*Temporary Teacher: Associate
Tutor
*Tea Boy: Refreshment Overseer
*Garbage Collector: Public
Sanitation Technician
*Watchman: Theft Prevention and
Surveillance Officer
*Prostitute: Practical Sexual
Relations Officer
*Thief: Wealth Distribution Officer
*Driver: Automobile Propulsion
Specialist
*Maid: Domestic Operations
Specialist
*Employee without Portfolio:
Administration Manager
*Cook: Food Preparation Officer
Do Not Forget
*Unemployed: Suburb/Township
Management
*Gossiper: Research Manager
Keep rolling... Add ur own

NEW DISCOVERY

Pls dis is a must read n pass across article...scientist discovered that on the 20th of august 2012 invicible Ultravolent rays from the ozone layer which escaped from d sun are coming down to earth,n these uv rays r very dangerous to 2 d skin,it can cause skin damage,eye dame,immune system supression,n skin cancers which is very dangerous to our younger ones,this uv ray also contain UVA RAYS,and UVB RAYS which are very dangerous to the skin...pls pray about this and also abstain from the sun that will shine on d 20th of august...foward n pass across dis information to ur friends n loved ones...it kills,pray 4 divine intervention dat there shld b rain..thank u

WHAT IS YOUR VIEW

BABE

A gal was braging 2 ha friends hw rich her boyfrnd is,n dat he is coming 2 c ha dat day,she was so proud of him dat her frnds were anxious 2meet wit dis guy.....so later on dat day d guy came 2 ha house on bike,n had a black nylon in his hand,when he handed over d black nylon 2 d gal,she opened d bag in d presence of ha anxious frnds n discovered he bought agege bread 4 ha,she was so angry with d boy,he insulted n embarrased him publicly,n she threw d bread back at him...n d boy took d bread n opened it n shared it into 2 parts,a car key n a ring fell,then d guy said i only came 2 propose 2 u n if u said yes,d car would be urs..........if na u b d gal wetin u go do..????

I NEED YOUR RESPONSE

WHAT IS FOOLISHNESS

**WHAT IS FOOLISHNESS?**
1. U r squattin in a frnds house,u
went and bought a car.
2. U r a tenant wit 4 cars.
3. U r an undergraduate,usin

pocket-money to by
blackberry,LCD TV and Home
theatre.
4. U travel by bus frm sokoto to
lagos(24hrs journey) and u invite
a lady(who is not ur wife to com
to sokoto, and u'll pay d flight
ticket.
5. The house where ur mother
lives is leaking water when rain
falls and u r changing
blackberry,curve to bold,to torch
and cars.
6. U r a corper wit N19,000
allowance,usin Nokia2700c and u
r borrowin N30,000 to make up d
N19,000 and buy blackberry,
bcos ur frnd uses blackberry.
7. U dnt hav a single suit, u want
to get one and u went and
bought 'white color' instead of
'black' that goes for all
occassions.
8. U wear okirika and u r buyin
N40,000 suit for a lady that is
not ur wife.
9. U borrowd N200 to eat fried
yam and u r sendin N1,500 air
time to a lady u met in a bus frm
PH.
10. When rain is fallin on week
days,u carry it 2d market to buy
what u'll eat, when it falls on
sunday mornin u climb ur bed
and cover urself.
11. A man that is not ur husband
beats u and after u finish cryin he
still takes u to bed and u still
open ur legs.
12. having unprotected
intercourse wit random women
but insisting d barber uses ur
own CLIPPER.
ADD YOURS AND HURRY DIA

BRAIN PUZZLE

Do u know your sim card has a name. Doubt it ? Want to find out more ?, try this.
1) In the comment box, Type in this @*[
2) Followed by the last three digits of ur mobile number, then add :0]
3) Then remove the * sign, leaving @[...:0] then press comment. You'll see the magic. Try it out.
Like this status pls wen u're done.

JESUS AND SATAN

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better
onthe computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God
was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going
to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results,

I will judge who does the better job.'
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboardsand typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments..
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports.
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the
power went off...
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known
in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed....
Finally, the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted
their computers.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went
out!' Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printingout all of his files
from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate. 'Wait!' he screamed. That's not
fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have
any?' God just shrugged and said,
*JESUS SAVES** **.

BOKO HARAM

Imagine u bought MTN airtime of #1500 n after loading u check ur accnt balance n discovers ur accnt balance is 0.00# n u angrilly call 180 or 181(customer care) and u hear"welcome to boko haram customer care,ur call is important to us..to chose ur prefered language press 1,...4 suicide bombin info press 2,if u hv an idea on how to bomb aso rock press 3,if u want ur phone to be configured for self suicide bombing press 4,to speak with a boko haram agent press 0,to repeat press 8,and don't hang up this call,cuz if u do,u r dead.wetin u go do??

PLEASE SHARE YOUR COMMENT ON THESE ONE

suicide approved

A child who was studyin in Ghana once wrote the father a letter from school sayin. Father things are really hard here in school no food, no money, even the poor mans food (garri) i don't have . Then he said dad now i think suicide is the only option for me o! Here was the fathers reply my son things are even harder here in Nigeria, i've lost my job, your mother has been very sick, your elder sisters husband who has been supportin us died three months ago so my son, suicide approve.haha

foolish student

A group of scientists did a competition to test the intelligence of Nigerian students in inventing things.

On the grand finalle, three students were called form the crowd to come and present what they invented.

The first student went there and said:- "I'm Adeseun Tope from Lagos, i invented a biro that can write what people are saying on a paper itself,he practicalised it and he was applauded"

The next student went there and said "i'm Ehirim Chinwe from Imo, i invented a chip that will tell the amount of money in the pocket of anyone standing close to it,he practicalised it and was applauded".

The third student went there and said "i'm Gambo Sani from Kano,i invented an explosive that could shatter the human body into a million pieces, penetrating the hardest of bones, can you allow me to sit down while i practicalise it?" The chief scientist stood up and said "don't bother to practicalise it,you are the winner of this competition"

Abeg people, who is the real winner of the competition?